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insanity is ugly

I’m cutting and pasting the following article from here simply because if I spent the next hundred years trying to sum up how I’m feeling lately (except for the ex and the erectile disfunction) I wouldn’t put it this well.

Waiting for Nov. 4th

by Larry David

I can’t take much more of this. Two weeks to go, and I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t work. I can eat, but mostly standing up. I’m anxious all the time and taking it out on my ex-wife, which, ironically, I’m finding enjoyable. This is like waiting for the results of a biopsy. Actually, it’s worse. Biopsies only take a few days, maybe a week at the most, and if the biopsy comes back positive, there’s still a potential cure. With this, there’s no cure. The result is final. Like death.

Five times a day I’ll still say to someone, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if McCain wins.” Of course, the reality is I’m probably not going to do anything. What can I do? I’m not going to kill myself. If I didn’t kill myself when I became impotent for two months in 1979, I’m certainly not going to do it if McCain and Palin are elected, even if it’s by nefarious means. If Obama loses, it would be easier to live with it if it’s due to racism rather than if it’s stolen. If it’s racism, I can say, “Okay, we lost, but at least it’s a democracy. Sure, it’s a democracy inhabited by a majority of disgusting, reprehensible turds, but at least it’s a democracy.” If he loses because it’s stolen, that will be much worse. Call me crazy, but I’d rather live in a democratic racist country than a non-democratic non-racist one. (It’s not exactly a Hobson’s choice, but it’s close, and I think Hobson would compliment me on how close I’ve actually come to giving him no choice. He’d love that!)

The one concession I’ve made to maintain some form of sanity is that I’ve taken to censoring my news, just like the old Soviet Union. The citizenry (me) only gets to read and listen to what I deem appropriate for its health and well-being. Sure, there are times when the system breaks down. Michele Bachmann got through my radar this week, right before bedtime. That’s not supposed to happen. That was a lapse in security, and I’ve had to make some adjustments. The debates were particularly challenging for me to monitor. First I tried running in and out of the room so I would only hear my guy. This worked until I knocked over a tray of hors d’oeuvres. “Sit down or get out!” my host demanded. “Okay,” I said, and took a seat, but I was more fidgety than a ten-year-old at temple. I just couldn’t watch without saying anything, and my running commentary, which mostly consisted of “Shut up, you prick!” or “You’re a fucking liar!!!” or “Go to hell, you cocksucker!” was way too distracting for the attendees, and finally I was asked to leave.

Assuming November 4th ever comes, my big decision won’t be where I’ll be watching the returns, but if I’ll be watching. I believe I have big jinx potential and may have actually cost the Dems the last two elections. I know I’ve jinxed sporting events. When my teams are losing and I want them to make a comeback, all I have to do is leave the room. Works every time. So if I do watch, I’ll do it alone. I can’t subject other people to me in my current condition. I just don’t like what I’ve turned into — and frankly I wasn’t that crazy about me even before the turn. This election is having the same effect on me as marijuana. All of my worst qualities have been exacerbated. I’m paranoid, obsessive, nervous, and totally mental. It’s one long, intense, bad trip. I need to come down. Soon.

PLease, please, please, Larry, don’t watch the returns!

This entry was posted on Friday, October 24th, 2008 at 7:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

10 Comments so far

monstergirlee October 24th, 2008 10:57 pm

I love Larry David. Somedays, Seinfeld saves my sanity. Honestly.
I mailed my absentee ballot yesterday. I feel very relieved that I sent it in and didn’t forget or lose it or something.
hanlie October 25th, 2008 1:15 am

I was thinking last night that I’m going to have a political hangover on November 5. Much like any other hangover, it will be much more tolerable if it’s a celebratory hangover, instead of a pits-of-despair hangover.
Natalie October 25th, 2008 2:03 am

OH my heck, I was laughing so freaking hard at this because he just described me to a T. I was really into being fair and balanced up until, well, about the time I announced that I was getting rid of all forms of modern communication.

And that announcement directly coincided with my decision to only watch the news I knew I would like.

I was on the treadmill (with TV) for most of the debates. THAT was interesting.
Mollyfa October 25th, 2008 7:30 am

I totally agree with Hanlie, I am really hoping for a celebratory hangover. I also love Natalie’s idea of watching these things while on the treadmill. Working out the angst and frustration while burning a few calories. I may have to start watching all of my morning shows like that. Perhaps if I’m out of breath, I won’t yell at the TV as often.
AuthorMomWithDogs October 25th, 2008 7:34 am

I am so there with you and Larry. I can’t believe how wound up I’ve gotten. I even have crazy fantasies of running over all the lawn signs in town for McCain/Palin! So not my style…
Clayjack October 25th, 2008 2:03 pm

If dude is swearing that much at the other candidate during debates, he’s got party blindness so bad he should have his driver’s license revoked.

I think we should move Halloween to November 4th this year. I wanna go to Nutmeg’s house dressed as a 7′ John McCain, ring the bell, raise my arms menacingly and yell “BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA.”
mad October 25th, 2008 4:39 pm

What if you got really drunk the night before the election, you know out of all the anxiety, and then forgot to wake up and vote the next day?
nathan October 26th, 2008 4:43 pm

come. on. nov. em. ber. fifth.
please.
i. beg. of. you.
i. want. my. wife. back.

as a side note, what will become of nutmeg win or lose?
win? still obsessed?
lose? let’s not go there.
Guilty Secret October 27th, 2008 9:53 am

I love Larry David.
maggie, dammit October 27th, 2008 6:28 pm

It’s a common joke in my family that Larry David and my dad are the same person (I’m not kidding, the resemblance both inside and out is incredibly eerie) so this one made the rounds early on. Every time I read it I love it even more. It’s brilliant.

insanity is ugly

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