I’m Too Sexy for My Mop
Nathan thinks I’m sexy. Whenever I’m cleaning the house. All I have to do is drag out the mop, grab my red bucket full of cleaning supplies, a pile of fresh rags, and my Dyson and Nathan gets randy. Mind you, I do not clean the house in one of those little French maid outfits. Just so we’re all clear on the visual, I usually do my cleaning dressed in the long underwear I’ve been sleeping in for a week with a stretched out cardigan over them and a dish rag tied around my head. Are we all on the same page here? NOT pretty. Definitely NOT sexy. Unless you’re Nathan.
So I clean the house from top to bottom every Saturday morning with Nathan humping my leg the whole freaking time. I have my own theory on why this happens: It’s a man thing. I’m not saying men are turned on by the smell of pine, or that men can’t resist a woman with a toilet brush in her hand. I think men like to perpetuate the myth that they are sex-crazed and sex-deprived by a world full of uptight women, and to make sure they stay on the top of the sex-drive chain, they hump our legs exactly when they are one hundred percent sure THEY’RE NOT GETTING ANY! Really, what are the chances that I’m going to throw down the mop, whip off the dish rag, toss aside my four children, and drag Nathan into the downstairs bathroom for a quickie between scrubbing dog and baby prints off the white kitchen cabinets and vacuuming crayons out of the heating vents?
Think about it; when does your man sneak up behind you and start nuzzling your neck? When you’re on the phone with your great aunt, Sister Gertrude, or when you’re trying not to over-beat your third attempt at fresh whipped cream. Or don’t they always get their groove on when you’ve just finished getting dressed for a wedding or when you’ve just announced that you have a temperature of 103 or you think you may be going into anaphylactic shock? THEY KNOW THEY’RE SAFE!
And don’t we think every time, WHAT A STUD?
This is my theory and I’m sticking to it. Just the same, no matter how our income increases through the years, you’ll never catch me hiring a cleaning woman!