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The Art of Positive Parenting

Are you a Yes Mom or a No Mom? In other words, when your child asks permission to do something, do you have the natural propensity to say yes or are you more likely to answer no?

I realized soon after Keira learned how to ask permission to do things, that I was undoubtedly a No Mom.

“Can I Paint?” “Can I give my doll a bath?” “Can we bake cookies?” The word no was often out of my mouth before my brain had really processed the question that was being asked. When I reflected on this, it was not difficult for me to understand why I leaned heavily toward no. I was raised by a No Mom. I don’t blame my own mother for the negatives; I understand it completely. By the time I was six, she was a single mother of three children with no financial support, working two jobs, and trying to finish her undergraduate degree. Saying no safeguarded her sanity, for she was often at maximum capacity or even on overload.

I did not have a similar excuse for the repeated negatives and I didn’t want to be a No Mom if I could help it. I began paying attention to my reasons for saying no when my child asked permission. I realized that I usually want to say no for two reasons: either I don’t want to deal with the incurring mess, or I don’t want to stop what I’m doing to help. I decided early in my parenting career that these reasons were never good enough. Not wanting to get off my duff wasn’t good enough either.

Over the years, as our family has grown, I have developed into a Yes Mom and I reap some wonderful benefits from it. The most significant benefit from ‘yessing’ my children is that they still ask permission before doing just about anything! The greatest problem with being a No Mom is that your children eventually stop asking for permission and just do what they want. When I was a kid, if I wanted to try my mom’s new lipstick, I wouldn’t even think about asking her because I knew she would say no. I’d just sneak it into the bathroom when she was on the phone. My girls ask, I say yes, and then I teach them how to roll the tube up and down and how to put lipstick on correctly. Now, my sisters and I, we all developed into sneaks; we just did what we wanted and tried hard not to get caught. This got a bit out of hand as we entered our teen years and poor decisions were made. Luckily, we all survived with minimal damage (I think.)

Another benefit of being a Yes Mom is my children have developed their creativity and learned to be excellent players. Rarely do I hear one of them say “I’m bored.” They can usually come up with a fun activity and they are relatively sure they’ll be allowed to carry it out. Just this week my girls asked to make home-made paint using dirt and food color. (Don’t bother, it doesn’t work.) Now I have a refrigerator covered in murky, gray-brown art work. They also spent an overcast afternoon making and playing in a club house using every pillow, blanket, broom, and couch cushion in the house. Sometimes their requests are simple - “Can I sleep in my clothes?” Although my first inclination is to say no, I try to ask myself, why not? Because I have a conventional picture of what a mother should say to that question? Not a good enough reason. So once in a while I let my kids sleep in their clothes. (It actually cuts down on the laundry!) The truth is, by being allowed to do these unconventional things, they lose their appeal quickly and the jammies come out the next night.

Does this mean that I never say no to my kids? Not by a long shot! There are valid reasons for saying no and my children know them by heart. Safety is always the first consideration and my children are accustomed to the family mantra safety first. If an activity or request is unsafe, there is no question what my answer will be. The other common reason for a ‘no’ that my children know is not open to discussion is if something is not in keeping with our family values. Rules around food tend to be pretty set in stone too. I won’t say yes if my little one asks me for cupcakes for breakfast (except on the days they actually catch me doing it.) I won’t give dessert to someone who hasn’t eaten a good dinner. Because we are firm and consistent about these types of rules, we rarely have to say no, because nobody even bothers to ask. Sometimes, like my own mom, I find myself on overload, and I just need to say no. I forgive myself for those times. Then we write the request on a sticky and post it on the refrigerator. This way I can come back to it when I’m not feeling so overwhelmed. This gives the girls things to look forward to, helps them understand that the world does not revolve around them, and also helps them to develop patience.

Learning to be a Yes Mom has certainly helped me to develop patience too. I am still patiently waiting for the day when all of my children are old enough for me to answer all their requests with, “Yes, as long as you buy it/clean it up/drive to it yourself.”

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 at 9:26 am and is filed under It's a Mom Thing.... You can follow any responses to this entry through the feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

26 Comments so far

noble pig May 27th, 2008 9:39 am

Wow, what an awesome post. I also say no more often than need be. You have inspired me to turn that around.

I can’t wait to see what my first request will be. Crossing my fingers it’s not mudcakes!
HG May 27th, 2008 9:57 am

Well said. I’m a No Mom type too. It’s something I’m actively trying to work on.
Natalie May 27th, 2008 10:37 am

I’m working on that fine balance myself. I am a single mom living in a tiny apartment so a lot of requested activities are out of the question. At least that’s what I tell myself while “no” is coming out of my mouth. I think this is not just a question of yes or no, but also a question of how involved of a parent are you? You know I struggle with my feelings of guilt over how uninvolved I am. The funny thing is that I’ve been working on this a lot lately, and the first thing that came to mind when I asked myself what I could do to be more involved was to say “yes” more often. Yes, we can go to the playground (at the end of our building) on a whim. Yes, you can play with your play-doh (knowing I will need to help with clean-up - he’s good at cleaning up his messes, but well, you know). And on the flip side of the coin: No, you can’t watch more TV.
nora May 27th, 2008 11:10 am

NM not all of us were as sneaky as the others…i could tell stories! Love N
Nutmeg May 27th, 2008 11:25 am

Keep your mouth shut, Girl. You have way more to lose than me!
Kristin May 27th, 2008 11:27 am

HI EZRA
Kristin May 27th, 2008 11:30 am

$%^^#

I meant to actually write a comment, but I hit the wrong key. It’s that kind of day.

I love what you wrote here and was just thinking about this yesterday. I think we are, somehow, psychically connected. I try to be better at Yes and in the rare instances when I’ve had the time to reflect on the fly about why I’ve said no, 9 times out of 10 it’s because I’m being physically, mentally, or emotionally lazy. Worst case scenario: all three.

Except that I totally let my kids have cupcakes for breakfast if they ask. And we sing the Bill Cosby song, “Mom is great! Give Us the Chocolate Cake!”

love,
k/wrh
chaotic joy May 27th, 2008 11:40 am

Wow. Just wow. I think it’s possible that my children are going to have a very different summer just because I read this post. Awesome Meg. Everyone should read this.
misty May 27th, 2008 11:56 am

i too had the natural propensity to be a no mom. Raised by a no mom, I deeply remember loathing her for her… I am trying to re parent myself in this area…
Adorable Girlfriend May 27th, 2008 12:05 pm

I had a Yes Mom who turned into a No Mom. I love her nonetheless.
chaotic joy May 27th, 2008 12:06 pm

I just linked this post in my post today.
The Domestic Goddess May 27th, 2008 12:07 pm

I usually try to be a Yes Mom, unless he’s asking to play Wii five minutes before the bus arrives or wants to wear his pajamas to school or wants to get up at 5:45 and play with something noisy.
Kathy May 27th, 2008 12:50 pm

My mom was a No Mom. I’ve put a lot of effort into being a Yes Mom. My sister does too. Obviously having a No Mom made an impression on us.

I became a mother late in life - 15 years later than my my Mom did. I was 36; Darling Daughter is now 13. One of the benefits of being an “old mom” is being more laid-back. My house is a mess but my daughter and I have a lot of “adventures” (as we call our excursions), and her friends are ALWAYS welcome at our house.
melanie May 27th, 2008 8:25 pm

ooh, i love the sticky note on the fridge to do it later idea! kids are validated, but we can get to it at a better time… i like it!
coastrat May 27th, 2008 9:37 pm

GREAT POST! Where were you 30 years ago when I needed you? Fortunately, my wife was a YES mom, and I became a YES dad, as it rubbed off on me, and our kids hardly ever came at us with “I’m bored”, either.
All Adither May 27th, 2008 11:32 pm

I try. God, I try. I’m going to forward this to my husband. That’s how good I think it is.
Diane May 28th, 2008 11:35 am

I had a fortuitous run-in with the well-read hostess today and was in the process of unloading my maternal guilt (because I have been a dreadfully nasty mother/wife/person over the past few weeks), at which point she told me to go to simply nutmeg and read this entry. Life is wonderful when the gods intervene. Reading this made me feel human and hopeful again. I’m going to do the yes-mom thing over the next few days…that’s just the prescription I needed.
hanlie May 28th, 2008 4:17 pm

I was raised by a no-mom and rebelled spectacularly in my teens. I love this post! I’m definitely going to be a yes-mom!
maggie, dammit May 28th, 2008 8:25 pm

Meg? Best post ever.

I couldn’t agree more. I’m a yes mom now, but I didn’t used to be. My life is 100% easier.

Sometimes I forget, though. Sometimes I say “maybe” or “I’ll think about it.” Usually when I’m distracted. Like now.

Eva just came up to me a few minutes ago and said, “Mom? Are you still thinking?” I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Now she just walked up to me with a real pen and a permanent marker squeezed in one pudgy three-year-old hand. “Mom? Can I use these?” I looked away from this post to answer (what else?) “Yes.”

This is all your fault if things go horribly awry. You do realize that, right?
LifeAsIKnowIt May 28th, 2008 8:56 pm

I really try everyday to be more of a yes-mom.
More work? yes.
More rewards? definitely.
magpie May 29th, 2008 8:43 am

That’s a great post. I say no a lot - but I maybe need to say yes more. Thanks.
April May 29th, 2008 5:13 pm

Wow. I never thought of the idea that they’d just stop asking. Off the top of my head, I don’t know if I’m a yes or a no mom. My kids would probably say “no” because they remember the “nos” more. I’m going to have to ruminate on this a bit more.

Natalie sent me, btw. Glad to get to know you!
Givinay de Elba June 1st, 2008 6:25 am

I couldn’t agree more!
Givinya de Elba June 1st, 2008 6:27 am

Sorry about that - I just spelled my own pseudonym wrong.

I should have added that being a Yes Parent helps me get other things done. “Mum, can I eat a carrot?” “Of course - as soon as you go to the bathroom.” And we’re staying happy, eating veggies and toilet training all at once.

That’s not to say the whole gig is EASY, but a bit of YES oils the wheels.

GdeE
Whimsy June 3rd, 2008 11:13 am

Wow. Another brilliant post, and yet another reminder of why you’re my mom-shaped hero. I want to be a Yes Mom. Luckily she isn’t asking for anything yet. I will practice (for now) on the cats.
Aimee Greeblemonkey June 3rd, 2008 2:32 pm

Awesome awesome awesome post. I am such a NO mom. I work HARD to be a YES mom.

The Art of Positive Parenting

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