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Can You Say Social Anxiety Disorder?

Lately I’ve been thrown into a bunch of mommy functions where I know nobody and inevitably end up wearing my social anxiety on my sleeve. I take Rowan to an indoor playground that’s located in the town next to ours about once a week. Rowan absolutely loves the place but I have to admit I hate it. Everyone in there knows each other except me and when I walk in the door, I swear, they treat me like I have the words ‘crazy lady’ written across my forehead in plum lipstick. I don’t. I’m almost positive I’ve washed it off before going in there every time.

My defense mechanism against those snotty bitches is to not take it personally and to bring a book. I bring something like Janson’s History of Art or Gray’s Anatomy so I can intimidate them into thinking I’m smarter than they are. Any day now they’re going to warm right up to me.

School functions screw with my head too. I recognize a lot of those ladies after four years of bingo, play dates, birthday parties, picnics, and book fairs, but I can’t remember any of their names or which kid belongs to which mother. So I generally walk around school functions with a ridiculous smile on my face hoping that’s enough to get them to actually talk to me and maybe drop me some clues. Evidently they’ve been talking to the ladies at the indoor playground because they all look at their feet or over my shoulder and scuttle on by.

It brings me right back to middle school. I feel as much like a misfit in the SAHM circle as I did when I had zits, Farrah Fawcett wings, and braces. It gives me floating anxiety. I’m not sure if that’s a real psychological term or if I made it up, but it refers to that feeling you get when you suddenly remember you have no date for the prom that’s taking place in four days. Or when you remember that you got up on the bar last night and sang Paradise by the Dashboard Lights at the top of your lungs. Both parts. And nobody joined in. While the band was playing Freebird. And you ripped your shirt off for the last verse.

I haven’t climbed up on a bar in twenty years but that feeling comes over me almost every day of my life. I feel it after any social encounter that doesn’t include Nathan, even if it only occurs in the isle of the supermarket. But with Nathan by my side, I’m fine. I don’t say stupid things, make inappropriate jokes, or offend anybody. I don’t snort through my nose at all the wrong moments. When Nathan is with me I know that I’m a premium member of the coolest club in town, I’m suddenly a cheerleader with perfect teeth, clear skin, and long blonde hair, and I’m completely and totally comfortable in my own skin.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 27th, 2007 at 1:01 pm and is filed under Struggling but not Desperate. You can follow any responses to this entry through the feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

12 Comments so far

Leah March 27th, 2007 2:05 pm

Have you considered that these mommies may be intimidated by you instead (like your friend Nancy said).

I have an idea. You need to market yourself at these little mommy deals. Print up some cute little calling cards with your blog address. It would be a great ice breaker with a clever quip like “I am better on paper (or on screen as it were) than in the flesh.” Two things will happen:

A) They will read and realize you are smart and funny, which you are.
B) They won’t mess with you for fear of ending up as blog fodder.

I personally can’t wait to meet you in Philly. These other ladies don’t know what they are missin’.
no milk March 27th, 2007 3:20 pm

i am anti-social in general and i am very shy in person, quite different from the persona in my blog, i think, even though these are my thoughts. i think that i tend to stand in the corner by myself unless i know somebody else, and then i am quite gregarious. i think that alcohol works for me by releasing these inhibitions and with a few drinks under my belt and sauted in my liver then i can be the life of the party. but i’m too cheap to buy myself a drink.

I hope you overcome your SAD and be able to mix in. it’s much more fun that sitting in the corner

while i cannot throw gray’s anatomy into the mix to intimidate people, i can throw ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy and feel quite superior
mid-life midwife March 27th, 2007 6:19 pm

It’s a damn shame they don’t have a wet bar for all school functions for those of us who turn into insecure 13 year olds when faced with herds of SuperMoms.
mad March 27th, 2007 10:58 pm

In social gatherings you can try the gangsta thing. Just flick your head and go, “Sup, homes.” If you address everyone as homes, you never have to remember names. And it works on men, women, kids. For extra street cred, I suppose you could womp on some mom at the park.
Mel March 28th, 2007 9:38 pm

Me, too.

I’m a little worried about a conference I’m going to attend this weekend . . . my strategy is going to be to fake being introverted. Wish me luck.

(Thank you for delurking on my blog! Now I have read your blog, too!)
Amanda March 29th, 2007 3:19 am

I can relate to feeling inadequate. I think I am the only working mom in our neighborhood. I can practically feel the tension as they wait for me to pass and then begin talking about me. Us. How we’re never out. Never take part. But then as I am out working I’ll catch my reflection in a storefront and relaize that I am still Mama. I am still the healer of all pain, fixer of all ripped pages and crafter of wondrous costumes. I am still magic. Working or at home, coiffed or disheveled I am someone’s mom and no one can take that fact away. So the next time you feel those stares you lift that chin of yours and rise up on the hugs, laughter and joy you have shared with your family. You belong, or perhaps you don’t, perhaps you are far better than they are. Either way, Ithink your super cool!
Kelly March 29th, 2007 2:38 pm

I’m so right there with you, and from the sound of that indoor park, I think we might be closer neighbors than either of us realize…

I look forward to meeting you in Philly, and I didn’t realize Leah was Philly too! Awesome.

And I know what you mean about you feeling fine when Nate is around. You guys are a team, so it make sense that you don’t feel as awkward or guarded when your partner is right there. I’m fine navigating a room of my husband’s co-workers at his holiday party as long as he’s by my side, but if he went to the bathroom, I’d hightail it back to my seat.

(I tagged you for a meme, is that okay?)
anxiety » Can You Say Social Anxiety Disorder? April 1st, 2007 2:31 pm

[...] unknown wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptLately I’ve been thrown into a bunch of mommy functions where I know nobody and inevitably end up wearing my social anxiety on my sleeve. I take Rowan to an indoor playground that’s located in the town next to ours about once a week. … [...]
simplynutmeg.com » Blog Archive » My Hysterical Globe April 16th, 2007 4:32 pm

[...] I’ve been quite open about sharing my smorgasbord of mental disorders on this blog, which is very unlike me. I don’t like to admit to weakness. To date I have admitted to suffering from OCD, PMS, not one but two types of SAD, and the still-present PPDAD (post partum dumb as dirt.) I have one more disorder to throw in the shopping cart of madness. I suffer from something called Globus Hystericus. Nathan thinks that any disease that has the word hystericus in it automatically applies to me and there’s no need for a medical diagnosis. He diagnosed me with all of them years ago. That’s because he suffers from his own medical disorder: SLBHBD which refers to So Laid Back He’s Brain Dead. [...]
simplynutmeg.com » Blog Archive » Once again, It’s all about ME! May 18th, 2007 1:07 pm

[...] Miss Meg is the Catholic school girl. She’s prissy and repressed and Nutmeg can’t stand her but Maggie and she get along famously. Sometimes they share the body and have whole conversations at places like the grocery store or the bank when they’re taking care of things and being perfect. Miss Meg can wiggle her ears and Maggie sometimes writes ‘crazy lady’ on her forehead in plum lipstick. [...]
simplynutmeg.com » Blog Archive » Can we go to The Pool? June 21st, 2007 12:18 pm

[...] I won’t have to go to that stinking indoor playground. [...]
denise Powers January 30th, 2008 11:24 pm

Ladies…………..

Come on, we’re not in high school anymore. Perhaps we SAH moms sometimes feel like the career moms are judging us too. We are all women and we are all moms!!!! We’re on the same team!!!!! We all have insecurities and we tend to cling to people who we have a lot in common with. We are more likely to be validated by people who live and think like we do and we all seek validation, especially in the arena of Motherhood. That’s because we are constantly being judged by everyone around us on how we measure up. It’s sad that we, as women, also judge each other so harshly on what we all consider the most important job we’ll ever have.

There’s a thing called the self fulfilling profecy……………
If your own very personal insecurities have you thinking that you’re not going to fit in, you will enter a room with a certain expression on your face, stand-offish body language, less smiles and less eye contact. Unfortunately, those things about you are the reason people don’t reach out. It has nothing to do with the people in the room, however you leave the room thinking, “See, those snotty super moms are soooo unfriendly!!”

I know plenty of SAH moms and pleny of working moms and I have been both. I can tell you, from my experience in both arenas, neither group judges the other as a general subject of conversation. Most people tend to think more along the lines of, “To each her own”. Are there a few judgemental women on both side of this fence? Sure, but we are far harder on ourselves than we are on each other, in general. It is our insecurities that lead us to believe that everyone is judging us and it’s the constant scrutiny, from, mostly from perfect strangers of all walks of life that make us insecure. My point………? If you didn’t get a nasty look from the old lady in the grocery store, when your child is screaming or the stares from the two busy men, one table over as your child throws green beans on the floor of the local restaraunt, we ALL would have FAR fewer insecurities. Let not make the subject of social anxiety be about “snotty super moms”. We should concentrate on validating each other. (all of us moms of little ones, that is) I make a point to relate to all moms, especially one who is in the middle of an “sticky” situations. “I feel your pain” are usually the first words that I use to break the ice, then I share a similar situation with the mom who usually laughs and feels better, not judged. (even if there are five other glares directed toward her.

I am sooooo not trying to come off as donna do gooder. I have just seen so many instances where we let complete strangers or all the older people in our families make us feel insecure. I have seen very confident and capable women become weakened and hypersensitive after being judged over and over again. We have enough critics in the world. We don’t need to evaluate each other.

SAH moms and working moms can all relate on some level. After all, we’re all mommies. Lets support each other regardless!!!!!!!!!!

Blessings and Best wishes to all of you!!!!!

Can You Say Social Anxiety Disorder?

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