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Hold Me Tight

Okay, I know I’ve posted Tiny before, but sometimes I find myself just needing to visit him, like on the day I try to shop for spring clothes. Let me be perfectly clear about my motives: I’m not being mean spending time with Tiny because it’s not at all about his size or his weight. That would just be catty and bitter. It’s about LOOK HOW COMFORTABLE THIS MAN IS IN HIS OWN SKIN!! It’s about how cute he is when he shakes his heinie. Okay, cute like a baby warthog, or like Pepe the King Prawn, not like the sexiest man alive cute. It’s about his willingness to get sexy for his cameraman. With the lights on and no obvious alcohol buzz!

I think every woman should spend a little time with Tiny on the first day of spring, as we contemplate the slow dawning of bathing suit season, and learn to embrace it. Throw away those skirt suits and tankinis people, squeeze into a too-small speedo and shake it like you own it.

And please post it on You tube so I can laugh my flabby ass off at you at least twice a year.

This is how badly I suck: yesterday, about two hours after I wrote my health challenge post, I was in line at a fast food restaurant.  It’s an addiction I tell you, far worse than the one nightly Advil PM addiction I have been hiding for months now.  Does that make me a functioning drug addict?  I’m not addicted to the food.  I’m addicted to the person who cooks it for me and my crew and the one who cleans up after us and does the dishes.

Actually, Rowan had to skip morning kindergarten yesterday to go to a doctor’s appointment which upset her deeply.  We had signed an earlier contract stating that she would get to go out to lunch with me after her appointment at her favorite restaurant - Chick-Fil-A.  I couldn’t break her heart so soon after I devastated her on Christmas morning!  Screw healthy.

The reason I’m admitting how truly lame I am is because that visit to Chick-Fil-A  renewed my faith in people and made me feel like I really am part of a village.

This might shock you seeing how you all know me to be such a highly organized individual, but when it came time to pay for the trayful of food I had just ordered at the Chick-Fil-A counter, I found myself with absolutely no means of payment.  I thought I had cash but I didn’t; I couldn’t find my credit card; I didn’t even have a check book!  This was mildly embarrassing, although not as embarrassing as when Madigan told a very large person in a McDonald’s line that he should probably order the salad since the other food is all very fattening.

After I admitted to the cashier that I was going to have to cancel the order because I was busted, she said she would watch my kids while I ran to an ATM.  (That would have been a good idea if I actually owned an ATM card and was comfortable leaving my little ones with complete strangers.) 

Then the manager turned around from the food window and told me to please sit down and enjoy my meal with my children.  I could pay them back another time.

A FREE LUNCH! 

THERE IS SUCH A THING!

We did just that, and then we went home and got some money and went back and paid that very kind lady ten dollars and sixty-two cents.

I would also like to mention that Chick-Fil-A has a chicken salad sandwich on whole grain bread that is very good ( in spite of its 15 grams of fat and 880 milligrams of sodium!)  They also serve club soda with lemon for free (even if you’re actually paying for your meal.)

Nonetheless I drank a whole pot of coffee today. 

Yes, I still suck.

1. Blog regularly
2. Potty train Finn
3. Shower more
4. Write letters
5. Lose the back fat
6. Go sledding
7. Choose sides on the  soup MSG war - I’m leaning toward Progresso
8. Sex up my wardrobe - that means stop wearing Nathan’s underwear
9. Win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and be showered and clothed when they bring me my check
10. Train my kids to flush
11. Leave the house
12. Take down the tree before Valentine’s Day
13. Give up diet Coke
14. Read more blogs
15. Yell less, laugh more
16. Find my signature hair cut
17. Watch The Bachelor
18. Break my addiction to Advil PM
19. Scrub all the crayon off the walls
20. Use sunscreen
21. Work on the bingo arms
22. Stop spitting on the twenty-year old Macy’s model who resolves to look younger, think younger, be younger. Please.  Somebody put that bitch in time-out.
23. Forgive Elizabeth
24. Stop watching daytime television
25. Appreciate more…

Okay, Clayjack, I’ll see your love song and I’ll raise you this:

(WARNING: not work or child friendly due to very-dark-can’t-see-nothin’ full frontal nudity.)

(Hey, WRH! Are you in or out?)