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I’m filching from Tina today who has been sharing the unspectacular.  Okay, Tina tagged me, but I’m a multi-tasker here.  Behold the unspectacular me:

This weekend I watched the movie Step Mom for the hundredth time and for the hundredth time I balled my eyes out.  That goddamn scene on the horse!  I spent the rest of the day praying the same prayer I always pray when I watch this movie: Please Lord, if I have to die, let Nathan find a good woman to walk in my shoes and to heal my babies’ broken hearts, and to love Nathan as himself, but please God make her look more like Lyle Lovett than Julia Roberts.

Friday night while the girls and I were hanging out watching bad television, Ezra was particularly gassy.  This is a dog that could outstink an old folk’s home on Franks and Beans Night.  The girls decided to put a cork in her butt.  They had no problem finding a cork as Nathan collects them and then they chased Ezra around trying to pin her down.  Just as they were attempting to insert the cork, Ezra let a ripe one rip.  The girls melted into a hysterical puddle on the floor.  That dog ain’t stupid!

Nathan has read all of the Harry Potter books out loud to me.  Aside from my children, this is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.  If you would like to deepen intimacy with your partner, read aloud to each other before bed at night.  Falling asleep to the sound of your loved one’s voice is pure magic.   Nathan gives different voices to the characters and has made them come alive for me forever.  You should hear his Hagrid.  We’re half way through the very last book and I keep begging him to read slowly.  I never want it to end.

I’m obsessed with vacuuming.  I vacuum every day.  I almost never put my vacuum away.  Nathan got me my first Dyson vacuum for Christmas many years ago and I thought it was the most romantic Christmas present I’d ever opened.  And yes, before WRH spills the beans, I have been known to vacuum the outside of my house.

Do you know who your role models are in life?  One of mine is Oprah Winfrey.  I don’t care what anybody says about her, I’ve watched her for twenty years and we’ve become very good friends.  Sometimes I ask myself when decisions need to be made, what would Oprah do?  WWOD?  I think she is recognized for a lot, but I never hear people recognizing how funny she is.  We make each other laugh all the time.  In my head.

Oprah, let’s do lunch.

My other role model is Monica Lewinsky.  I’m telling you, if you can come through what she did and make something of yourself in the end, you’ve earned my kudos.  Have you seen those cute little pocket books?

And because the unspectacular me can spend hours laughing at crap like this:

Filch on, Friends! Consider yourself tagged if you’re still reading…

NOTE:  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FILCH TO ENTER THE CONTEST.  COMMENT TO ENTER THE CONTEST, SIGN THE MISTER LINKY TO JOIN THE FILCH!

If you are new to Filch It Friday, you can read all about it right here.

I’m filching from the fabulous Greeble this week because she actually had the brass balls to filch from the fabulous Dooce.  A while back Dooce ran a comment contest and gave away 5 free Wiis.  Greeble filched it and gave away one of her awesome Greeblemixes.  Here’s the simple formula: comments + family member + random number = winner.

So what am I giving away?  I was lucky enough to meet and listen to Susannah Gardner, author of Blogging for Dummies at that conference I keep boring you with.  Can you think of a book more suited for me?  I bought it the day I returned from Izeafest, mostly so I could stop bugging Aimee and Clayjack with stupid questions like whatthehell is a meta tag?  There’s so much information in this book about growing, improving, and managing a successful blog not to mention understanding technology.  (Notice the Filch graphic now links to my blog!)  I’ve been at this for two years now and I am eating up this book with a spoon.  I can’t recommend it enough even if you’re not actually a blogging dummy like me.  Non-bloggers, if you’re thinking about jumping in, this is the book for you!  So, here’s how you can win your own brand new copy direct from Amazon:  

1. Comment as often as you like up until 12:00 noon (Central time), September 20, 2008.
2. No anonymous comments. No gross ones either.
3. Tomorrow afternoon, my husband Nathan, who will not read the comments seeing as he works two jobs today and will be dead on his feet tomorrow, will pick a random number.  If that is your place in line in the comments, you will be the  winner!
4. Winners must be willing to give me their snail mail to send the book, and also get a mediocre amount of traffic after being linked to from this blog.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FILCH TO ENTER THE CONTEST.  COMMENT TO ENTER THE CONTEST, SIGN THE MISTER LINKY TO JOIN THE FILCH!

Way too complicated, right? 

Filch On, Friends!

P. S.  Check back on Monday for an even bigger give-away.  I’ll announce the book winner, launch a very important campaign, and tell you how to win a brand new Dyson vacuum!

I’m filching from The Domestic Goddess today who filched from The Pioneer Woman, BooMama, and Bossy.  Some damn good company! 

I love my house.  When Nathan and I bought it 12 years ago, it was an absolute dump.  We’ve gutted and restored every room slowly over the years and are now working on the outside.  Here is a partial tour of the rooms that are clean.  I’m working up the nerve to post the messy edition in the future:

Our Entrance foyer - Nathan painted the clouds:

Our living room:

Our dining room:

Powder room which we wallpapered with torn brown paper:

Kitchen:

Our back yard complete with two-story tree house:

Second Floor Edition to follow after cleaning day!

Filch on, Friends!

I’m filching from the very best today who, since it’s a guest post, filched from Sarah Brown, with permission I’m sure (unlike me). 

The Three best Bits of relationship Advice I’ve Ever Been Given:

1.  From Henry Winkler: “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” 

(Not in person, of course, but I read it somewhere.)  If I allowed myself to make assumptions about Nathan on a regular basis, we would most likely be divorced.  I’m talking about assumptions like: he did this on purpose, he knew better, he remembered but he didn’t care, he couldn’t actually be that clueless so he must be manipulating me,  he knows exactly what I need and want and I shouldn’t have to tell him.  I’ve also had to give up the assumption that six o’clock means six o’clock.  On the other hand, I have been able to let go of the assumption that all men are obsessed with sports and know what a carburetor does, and that men don’t give a crap about naming babies or decorating.

2.  From a friend’s older and very wise sister-in-law (who is now divorced but the advice still stands):  “Never, ever fake an orgasm.” 

Girlfriend, this is so basic.  Unless you enjoy acting more than the real thing (get thee to a nunnery or maybe Hollywood), or unless you never plan on having a real one with said partner in the room, skip the fake.  The number of times you fake it is indirectly proportionate to the number of orgasms you will have during your whole relationship.  I’m math-challenged or I’d make a graph. This is a little like why buy the milk if you already have the cow.  Actually, not at all.  It’s more like why open the manual if nothing is broken?  Faking just screws up the learning curve for all of us!

3.  From Jimmy Soul:  “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife.”

This is one I failed to follow.  There are many days I wish I had a wife, even an ugly one, but that whole being attracted to men thing got in my way.

BONUS: Advice that sounds good but my life has proved totally bogus: 

“Never go to bed mad.” 

I agree with Phillis Diller:  “Stay up and fight.”  If for nothing else than to get to the makeup sex. Filch away!

Learn all about Filch It Friday here.

I’m filching from Telling it Like it Is today, a cooperative blog full of helpful information and tips on relationships and parenting. Their list is good, but I don’t think they’re really telling it like it is!

Here’s my top ten list of things father’s really want for Father’s Day:

10.  Forgiveness. For the time while you were dating when he called you by the wrong name. For being two hours late for that first date. For the pain of childbirth. For every time you call him at work and ask him to bring home milk, bread, beer, pizza, valium, a babysitter, and he forgot…

9.  Time. Time to get caught up on the important stuff. Not the lawn, the bills, the bookcase in a box that has been waiting for assembly since last summer; we’re talking time for watching funny fart videos on You Tube, time for reading old Mad Magazines in the bathroom, time to walk around the house staring at the walls in boxer shorts and a tool belt…

8.  His own Superhero cape with his initials on it in gold satin.

7.  A pinky swear promise that you will never tell anyone about his Super Hero cape.

6.  A drum set so he can stop playing the air drums and the kitchen counter and the steering wheel and the top of your head…

5.  Watch The Lord of The Rings series with him. Without talking. Except to say, “Oh my God, this is so effing awesome.” Wearing nothing but sexy underwear.  (This one may be a little too Nathan specific.)

4.  Say the words (without laughing) “You are always right.” Wearing nothing but sexy underwear.

3.  Guitar Hero. Enough said.

2.  A blow job. Come on! Maybe it’s not creative or unique, but without it on the list, how could anyone think they’re telling it like it is?

Number One:

NB:  Any combination of three, two, and one will really knock his socks off!

Filch on, Friends! 

I’m being very brave by filching from Suburban Kamikaze today, because her post on this subject is brilliant. 

Esquire recently asked its readers to contribute to a popular feature in which famous women are asked to make a list of “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women.”

I may have assumed here that the ‘you’ in that sentence is Nathan masculine:

1.  If you never say that an outfit does make us look fat, we can’t believe you when you say that an outfit doesn’t.  No need to go overboard - once a year should do it and make sure you trash  an outfit when you don’t really need to be somewhere on time.  Best case scenerio: choose an outfit we are planning to wear out with our girlfriends while you stay home to deal with the kids and catch up on the laundry.

2.  When you ask us if there’s something wrong and we say no, that never means no.  If there was nothing wrong, seeing how you are a rocket scientist when it comes to judging a woman’s emotions, you sure as hell wouldn’t be wondering.  There’s no set number of times you have to ask, “Are you sure?”  Stay focused and forge ahead.  If you’re thinking it might be best to never ask the question, you are such an amatuer.

3.  Every woman, no matter how efficient, no matter how strong, no matter how independent, has a desire to be taken care of on some level.  All it takes is a little concern when she’s sick or when she’s trying to lift something heavy.  

4.  You might be thinking that you’re past the point of being jealous because you completely trust your woman.  Danger Will Robinson!  Jealousy is like pizza:  Going through life without it is not living, but stuffing yourself with an entire large pie with everything leaves you burping up fire for days.  Showing no signs of jealousy translates to a woman that you have no doubt that no human being on this planet would ever look at her and find her desirable, or worse, “Go ahead, take my wife.”  Too much jealousy means that you are so lame and insecure she probably should dump you.  In other words, everything in moderation. 

5.  Even if we are clear that we don’t want more children, even if we never chose to have children because we would rather be soaked in pork gravy and tossed into a crocodile-infested canal, we do not go gently into the post-childbearing years. 

6.  Watching commercials with beautiful women married to bald, fat men does not make us buy the product.

7.  We may forgive, but we never forget. 

8.  It may seem that we focus too much on our reflection in the mirror, what with the four billion dollars spent annually on makeup and skin care, but in fact, women obsess far more over our reflection in other people’s eyes.

9.  We live longer than men because we know the value of touch.  We hug, we kiss, we hold, we cling, we snuggle because it feeds our life force.  That and we smoke less. 

10.  Women are smarter in every way.    

FILCH ON!